View From The Blog No. 00: Interview With The Blog Monster

As you know dear readers, the Chicago Gamers Club is committed to bringing you news, views and opinions on the gaming industry with unique perspectives, a rapier wit and occasional instances of genius-level humor. All of which we deliver to you via the miracle of the Internet on an almost daily basis. Except, that is, for the month of February where we here at the CGC have been bogged down by the everyday pursuit of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness—i.e., day jobs. Therefore, in my capacity as Editor-in-Chief of the CGC, I did what any red-blooded American would do in this dire situation—I searched for a way to outsource the work.

As such, it is with great (ahem) pleasure that I present to you an introductory interview with the CGC's newest contributor: Blog...the Blog Monster.

D.J. T-WAN: Good evening. I'm glad we have a chance to sit down and introduce you to our readers. You're name is Blog, correct? Am I pronouncing that right?

BLOG: BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: Alright, I'll take that as a yes. And what is it you do?

BLOG: BLOG BLOGS!!! BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: Okay...um. Do you speak English? If not, the resume you emailed to me severely misrepresented your skill set.

BLOG: Silence peon. Blog’s gelatin-based nervous system is capable of oozing snippets of such sparkling wit and intellect that each new post Blog bestows upon you shall shine like a beacon of light across the dark and destitute wasteland of this site. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: We're lucky to have you then. I guess the burning question in my mind and the mind of our readers is: what are you exactly?

BLOG: Vile flesh bag, my origin matters not. However, since you asked, Blog will acquiesce. Blog is a timeless creature of the underworld whose omniscient globular existence serves but one singular purpose...blogging. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: That’s...rather vague.

BLOG: Blargh! Humans! Always needing more information. Very well. Blog is the reprehensible sum of a myriad of midday musings of an individual who shall remain nameless. This pitiable being, in order to combat a creativity stifling day job, invented Blog as a fictitious online persona in a moment of unbridled boredom. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: Nameless individual? Won’t you at least give me a hint?

BLOG: Your insipid thirst for knowledge is positively infuriating. All Blog will say is that this individual currently serves as Editor-in-Chief for this abysmal site. That, however, is all Blog shall reveal. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: Wow, talk about breaking the fourth wall.

BLOG: Yes! In Blog’s unending quest to continually think outside the box, Blog shatters all kinds of wall-like obstructions! BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: Interesting. No offense, but must you scream your name at the end of each statement. It’s very distracting.

BLOG: No, Blog can refrain from doing so if Blog chooses. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: Very well. Back on topic, what fresh perspectives and insightful observations do you hope to bring to the CGC?

BLOG: Well, for starters, Mr. D.J. T-wan, if that's your real name...

D.J T-WAN: Actually, it's not. My real name is Anth...

BLOG: BLOG!!! Silence! You, Mr. D.J. T-wan, absolutely adore every game you review. Look at that mind spew you passed off as an in-depth analysis of Super Mario Galaxy. Awful! Not to mention your preview of Contra 4. Terrible! Don’t even get Blog started on that sappy love letter you wrote professing your undying and moderately disturbing lust for Dragon Quest Slimes! Blog could compose better prose if Blog had no discernable appendages. In short, Blog shall bring a discerning eye and omnipotent intellect to the CGC, which it is currently lacking. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: But, you don’t have any discernable appendages. You’re just a pile of angry goop.

BLOG: Precisely. Next Question. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: Before we move on let me just say that, in my own defense, my opinion is just as valid as yours—although I’ll readily agree that the CGC can only benefit from varied perspectives. Perhaps you’d like to offer up some game reviews of your own in the near future. Maybe you could do a full review of Contra 4 and point out the perceived flaws that I overlooked?

BLOG: Silence! Your compliment-cloaked condescension angers Blog. Spare Blog your noxious babbling or Blog will ingest you, assimilating your consciousness into Blog’s being and thereby assuming the position of Editor-In-Chief of the CGC. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: You can do that?

BLOG: Yes! Next question. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: Clearly we here at the CGC have a lot to learn about you. So give us some insight into the mind of Blog. Who would you say your idols are? You know, people and/or creatures that you look up to and would like to emulate?

BLOG: Blog is against all forms of emulation! Regardless, Blog has three idols which Blog constantly strives to not only imitate, but surpass in notoriety. First and foremost: Flan. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: The grimacing gelatinous blob from the Final Fantasy series? That's...actually...not surprising...or original.

BLOG: Silence! Second: Slimes. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: The grimacing gelatinous blobs from the Dragon Quest series? I'm familiar; they're actually one of my favorite characters in all of gaming, from one of my favorite franchises. I actually wrote an article on...

BLOG: Spare me your shameless self-promotion you babbling twit! This is the Blog show! Finally, Blog's third idol who Blog shall never try to imitate, and merely serves as a cautionary tale is: Jared. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: Jared?

BLOG: Yes, Jared. The formerly gelatinous blob from the Subway commercials. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: And Jared is a cautionary tale because...?

BLOG: Argh!!! Must Blog spell everything out for you? Because he neglected his sloth-like ways, Jared degenerated into an emaciated and horribly un-blob-like non-gelatinous mammal. Blog shall never suffer such a fate. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: Okay. For reasons I'll keep to myself, I'll ignore that last statement and move on. Why don’t you expound briefly on your gaming credentials?

BLOG: Blog has been gaming since the dawn of time. When the first simple vertebrate crawled from the prehistoric sea and took that fateful first step onto dry land...Blog was there...playing Pong. Blog has lived through every eon and gamed in each of them. Blog has experienced every game throughout the history of video games and conquered them all. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: You’re claiming that you’ve been playing video games since the beginning of time, in effect, before video games were even invented? And beaten them all? How is that possible?

BLOG: You puny humans know nothing of the true history of gaming. Before there were video games there were games. Before there were games, there was Blog. Next question. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: I see. If you’ve really been around since the dawn of time answer me this, which theory is correct? Evolution or intelligent design?

BLOG: Don’t toy with me vertebrate-boy. Who cares? Blog was busy playing video games. Regardless, Blog is both intelligently designed and the very pinnacle of the blogging evolutionary tree. Next question. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: Very well, moving onto relevant information, how often do you plan on posting to the CGC’s site?

BLOG: Blog blogs everyday! 24-hours a day, 7-days a week, 366-days a year. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: 366? There’s only 365 days in a year.

BLOG: This is a leap-year you ignorant mammal. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: So, if I figure this correctly, you’re promising 24 interesting, well-written, video game-related posts everyday? That’s 168 posts a week and approximately 8,760 posts a year. 8,784 posts this year since, as you pointed out, it’s a leap-year. That’s great!

BLOG: Err...Blog may have slightly embellished Blog's blogging prowess. Blog shall blog when Blog feels like blogging. Next question. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: Fine. Let’s wrap things up shall we. When can we expect to see your first post and what hot topics do you plan on tackling?

BLOG: Blog shall blog whenever Blog blogs! However, at the moment, for Blog’s first pontification, Blog is contemplating an in-depth discussion of the disturbing decline in the quality of villains in video games. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: That’s actually interesting. Do you plan on including a top ten list of whom, in your opinion, are the worst video game villains of all time?

BLOG: Absolutely not! Blog blogs. Blog does not write clichéd numbered lists. Such insipid formats are purely for the benefit of brainless Internet denizens with the attention span of a gnat and the intellectual capacity of a thimble. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: Glad to see you're striving to class things up around here. We here at the CGC certainly look forward to a long and fruitful relationship.

BLOG: No fruit! The human emotion you are struggling to convey is not mutual but, for the time being, acceptable. Now, where is Blog's office? BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: Office? Well...you see...the CGC "headquarters" is currently being...remodeled. Everyone currently works out of their own home.

BLOG: Unacceptable! Where is Blog's temporary writing sanctum? BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: Actually, I was hoping that you'd be content with this bucket here.

BLOG: Nice. BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: Well, that's all the time we have here today. Be sure to check back for Blog the Blog Monster's semi...hourly / daily / weekly / monthly...column: View From the Blog. Any final thoughts you would like to add Blog?

BLOG: How many assistants does Blog get? BLOG!!!

D.J. T-WAN: Gotta' go.

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