Video games come in one of two flavors. A game will either (1) take you by the hand and start you with a nice tutorial before ramping up the difficulty in the later levels or (2) take you by the hand, crush your effeminate phalanges, twist your arm, punch you in the face, take your lunch money, get your girlfriend pregnant and call your mom fat. Of these two philosophies, Contra subscribes to the latter. Nay, it embodies it.

My first experience with Contra occurred in 1988 at the age of nine. I went to my cousin’s house because he wanted to show me his new Nintendo game, which he described simply as, “awesome.” Since the Internet was still in its infancy, we were both ignorant of the infamous Konami code and had a meager three lives each to tackle this enigma known only as Contra. Two significant things occurred that momentous day: (1) I did not survive the first level and (2) I was hooked.

I was further intrigued when the second level began and the gameplay changed as my cousin entered one of the infamous tunnel levels, which he referred to as “Basil” (Base1, get it?). Though my cousin and I disagreed whether a stronghold of the villainous Red Falcon would have a (misspelled) spice as its namesake, we were both blown away. Quite literally, in fact.

Throughout the series’ venerable history, there remains one constant: unrelenting difficulty. Rather than pulling punches, the series became known for kicking a player when they were down—repeatedly—and only in soft places. So why was it so fun to get your ass handed to you by an 8-bit cartridge when you should have been outside playing kickball? Simply put, the game was tough, but fair. With practice, the once insurmountable legions of Red Falcon’s alien army became mere cannon fodder as you dipped, dodged, ducked, dived and dodged your way to the very heart (literally) of its empire, and then shot the ever-living hell out of said heart. In my prime, I recall resetting the game and starting over if I died just once anywhere in the first three levels.

Twenty YEARS after handing my ass to me on a silver platter, the fourth numbered installment to the official Contra timeline arrives on the Nintendo DS and you know what? I’m a little kid again. Contra 4 is a superb return to form that simultaneously pays homage to the original while throwing players a few curve balls along the way. Needless to say, a few of these curve balls will hit you, most likely in the face. But that’s the fun of Contra. Sure, you get bloodied and bruised along the way, but you love every minute of the sadistic journey. Add in a museum tour of the entire franchise history, challenge levels and the ability to unlock full versions of classic Contra titles and what you hold in your hand is a little piece of ass kicking heaven. Handle it with care though, it bites.

My full review is coming soon, be sure to watch for it. The term “soon” may be a bit too optimistic, however, since, in order to obey my personal policy of not reviewing a game until I’ve beaten it, I have to finish Contra 4 on at least normal difficulty before publishing my complete analysis. While I could technically base my final evaluation on my experience playing the easiest difficulty level (which I’ve now completed) I’m left with two problems should I choose to follow this path. First, in true Contra-style, playing on the easiest difficulty level does not allow access to the last two levels, so I haven't really completed the game. Second, and more importantly, it makes me a big fat sappy pansy who, in order to save face, will be forced to mail my testicles along with a written apology to Konami. But hey, that’s what Contra is all about: unadulterated, unflinching, frantic, testosterone-fueled action.

Contra has survived for twenty years because it is a series comfortable in its own patriarchal skin. What can I say; it possesses an anything-but-benign confidence that stems from two decades of extraterrestrial eviscerating action. It’s a series that (the mild abortion that was Neo Contra aside) knows what it is and embraces it with guns blazing—hell, sometimes two. Far and away the series' greatest achievement is its complete and total commitment to absurd action—it’s definitely not Shakespeare but, then again, when was the last time you saw the bard taking down a robotic mutant all while clinging precariously to the side of a recently launched surface to surface missile?

Problem: Vicious aliens under the leadership of Black Viper invade Earth [again].

Solution: Send a group of [shirtless] warriors in to kick some ass [no more than two at a time though…also, good weapons are heavy, so they’ll have to pick up better equipment along the way].

Probable Outcome: In a stunning display of courage and skill and against all odds, these brave warriors succeed and Earth is saved [or Black Viper’s legions overwhelm and devour our heroes, but at least we get the opportunity to watch them go out in a bandanna-clad 80’s blaze of glory].

Analysis: Freaking genius.